Fix Me
by UmPaDee
Summary: The sequel to Broken. Hermione is recovering from her eating disorder, but when a relationship with Ron is prohibited, a relapse is imminent. Will help come from unexpected places? Can Ron and her sort things out? Will relapse threaten her recovery? And will she finally break free from her past and insecurities?  Warnings: sensitive issues and language
1. Part 1: Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay, so here's the sequel to Broken. I hope you guys like it and it lives up to expectations. Please review, and fav or alert. That'll make my day and will probably result in an update very soon. Hermione's just gotten out of St. Mungo's and is staying with the Weasley's for Holiday's. So here it goes! **

**Chapter 1**

They tell you you're getting better, that you're recovering, but you could always slip back, relapse into that sad existence. They say eat your meals, listen to your friends, and don't exercise. Ignore the voices in your head telling you that your self-worth is measured by how fat you're feeling that day. And no matter what, don't ever, ever weigh yourself. And if you're having a moment of weakness, you better talk about it with somebody.

They say that your friends will always be there for you, your family loves you, and you have tons of people who care about you. And that should be enough, but what if it's not? What if they leave you alone? What if you get into a fight? What if you just don't want to talk about it? Then what?

"Hermione?" Ron stands in the doorway of her room at Weasley Manor, "You ready for dinner?"

She'll never be ready for dinner. Even after undergoing treatment, she still dreads eating. She know she shouldn't. But she does, and it doesn't help that everyone has to make the meal so awkward. Maybe it's all in her head, her imagination gone wild. But she knows it's not. They all watch her to make sure she's swallowing every bite. They don't want her to trick them again. They couldn't stand to deal with a repeat of last fall. And she understands, she really does. But, now, she just wishes that they could trust her. She's tired of being treated like a criminal, ready for a jail break.

"Could we eat up here, Ron?" she asks, "Just the two of us? Please."

She asks him that every night, and at first he'd oblige. But lately it doesn't work so well, not with her mind healer spouting out that she's doing it out of shame, that it could encourage disordered eating. Which Hermione believes is absolutely ridiculous.

They say that she needs to have a sense of normalcy around food. But what's normal about having everyone monitoring you're every bite and making little "encouraging" comments when you reach for seconds. It's no tnormal. It's awkward, and she's tired of it. Especially since Mrs. Weasley is in one of her ultra-motherly moods today. She'll make sure Hermione has fourths, and that would be fine and dandy, except for the fact that then Hermione will get literally sick from being overstuffed with food. And then she'll wants to make herself go throw up just to feel less nauseous. But, of course, she won't do that. If she did and anyone found out they wouldn't listen to the excuses, they'd just send her straight back to St. Mungo's.

"Hermione," Ron says, unsure of her proposal, "It's just two more nights till we go back to Hogwarts."

"Exactly," she says, "It's perfect. We need a night for the two of us."

"Mum'll throw a fit."

"You can feed me, Ron" Hermione whispers, "I'll enjoy the food so much more if you feed me."

Ron blushes, and she enjoys his embarrassment, his discomfort. "I'm only teasing, Ron. Unless of course you'd want to."

He smiles, lightly, never completely comfortable when discussing food with her. And that's understandable, to a point. But it can be frustrating. Hermione prays for normalcy, but it seems that procuring it will be impossible. Even her attempts to flirt with him seem too much for him to handle. He treats her more like a child than ever before, as if with one wrong word he might break her.

"Hermione…" he stumbles, "You know what the mind healer's said about romance. We can't be more than friends."

She bows her head, struggling with the rejection. No matter, how many times he tells her this, it always hurts the same. And she always wonders if maybe it's all just an excuse so that she won't feel bad about herself, so that she won't relapse. "I know, sorry."

Her light-hearted mood has slipped, and she feels Ron's gaze on her. "You know it's not personal. I wish we could. I mean you know it I want to be with you. But we can't. It's not healthy. Not for a long time, till you're completely stable, and even then..."

_Even then, I might not be good enough._ The mind healer had said that Hermione's relationship with Ron had been unhealthy, a distinct trigger to her downfall. He claimed that she'd idolized him and relied too much solely on him and their relationship for emotional and mental stability. Hermione laughed at that.

_Don't even consider the fact that I'd just witnessed one of the most disturbing battles in wizarding history, that I had more than any witches' fair share of near death experiences, or that I'd been tortured and cursed by Bellatrix Lestrange. No_, she thinks, they'd rather blame it all on her break up with_ Ron._

"Whatever you say, Ron," she says, "We spent most of our lives as friends, and I have absolutely no problem with maintaining that sort of relationship with you."

"Good," he says, hesitantly. "And I guess we can eat up here, today, with Harry and Ginny, of course."

"Alright," she agrees because Harry's sideways glances, and Ginny's prodding will be an improvement to Mrs. Weasley's overly keen eyes and candid lectures about the necessity of proper nutrition.

So Ron steps out, anxiously heading off to let Mrs. Weasley in on the change of plans. Hermione can tell that he's nervous, and she does feel a little guilty about sending him off on the somewhat-suicidal mission. She knows Mrs. Weasley will have a fit, as she always does, and Ron will be forced to deal with the repercussions. But Hermione is just too selfish to deal with this by herself or to endure another Weasley family dinner.

"Mum's livid," Ginny enters the room, a few minutes later, "She's making Ron stay down for dinner, and is sending me and Harry up here instead. She's claiming that he's enabling you."

"I'm sorry," Hermione purses her lips, thoughts of guilt and self defeat conjuring up in her head. _Keep the negative thoughts out. Keep them out._

"Don't be," Ginny laughs, "It's actually quite amusing, some good pre-dinner entertainment. And Harry's having a good laugh at Ron's expense; he thinks it's brilliant."

Hermione forces out a smile, "I'm sorry I missed it."

"Don't worry," Ginny smiles, "They'll be at it all through dinner by the looks of it."

Ginny takes another step into her room, holding two plates. One is piled to the brim, and is, as expected, for Hermione. "I couldn't remember if you'd like chicken or fish, so I got you both. _Yeah right, you just wanted me to eat more than my fair share._ Hermione mentally rolled her eyes, as she thanked Ginny and took the plate.

"So did you decide what classes you're going to drop yet?" Ginny gives Hermione a quizzical look. And Hermione mentally smacks herself for not knowing the answer. Ever since, McGonnagal wrote her last week to let her know that she felt it would be best if Hermione were to drop two courses and her duties as Head Girl to alleviate her 'stess', Hermione had been unable to make the decision. She'd made a mistake, and yes her coursework was not up to par last term, but now she was better and she could make it up. Was it really necessary to make her drop two whole courses, courses that at one point were her main source of happiness? Apparently, yes, because despite her begging, Hermione had found little sympathy from anyone else. Even her parents agreed that it was for her own good. And, she soon discovered, that it was in fact, Ron who'd come up with the idea.

"No," she says, "Maybe transfiguration, though. I absolutely abhor Professor Capri, and my attempts to turn into my amigus are useless.

"Really?" Ginny says, "But you're a dolphin. That's a lot better than everyone else's. I mean your amigus could actually be useful."

"I don't know, it's more of a nuisance, than anything. Plus, having to get in a swimsuit for transfiguration lessons every day isn't exactly great for my situation at the moment."

"Right," Ginny looked at the ground, "I hadn't actually thought of that before."

After an awkward meal with Ginny and Harry, Hermione goes to bed. She doesn't even talk to Ron, or head down to listen to Mrs. Weasley ramble on about she should have some desert. She's tired. And she's ready for the day to be over. But most of all, she's ready to curl up into a ball and cry, because this isn't how she'd planned things out. She's supposed to be with Ron, and he's supposed to love her no matter what. She's supposed to have everything under control. She's supposed to be Head Girl. She's supposed to have perfect grades. But here she is, with a whole lot of supposed to's and not a whole lot to show for it. But she'll try to forget about that, and try to focus on getting better. It's just a little hard when the whole reason she's trying to get better is forbidden territory.


	2. Part 1: Chapter 2

**A/N: Well thanks to the three people who reviewed! But the rest of you, please review and fav. It will make my day and will mean more updates more frequently. What can I say? I'm a victim of positive reinforcement. Anyways, this is mostly Harry/Hermione friendship fluff for this chap. But don't worry, we'll get to the real plot-rich stuff next chapter when they all head back to Hogwarts! I have some great ideas to continue a bunch of the loose plot lines left over from "Broken" besides Hermione recovering from Anorexia. The auror business will be of prime concern, Malfoy will be back to torment, the transfiguration/amigi stuff will be back, Hannah and Neville will be a couple (Yeah!), and, of course, there will be lots of relationshipy, romantic drama with our favorite couple of all -Ron and Hermione. :) So get me motivated and review! Thanks!**

**Chapter 2**

She tries not to cry, she really does. But sometimes the tears are just too powerful, too omniscient to withhold. So she succumbs to the monsters in her head and she breaks down. That's when the battles break out, when the war inside her head begins to unfold. Her not-so-great coping mechanisms demand to be fed, while the threats of her life and future hospitalization logically rein her in. She's torn apart, each side whispering her worst fears to persuade her to listen.

"Harry…" she chokes out her closest friend's name in the doorway to his room, her eyes red and overfilling with salty beads of anguish that dictate her moment of need.

He looks up from some book, whatever book it is and quickly tosses it to the floor, his body soon hovering over to comfort her. "Bloody hell, what's wrong 'Mione?"

"I d-don't know," she sputters out the words as if they're venom, as if she's ashamed of her predicament. Her eyes, blinded by tears, gaze meaninglessly around the room as if she's searching for an answer, some tangible reason for her sudden feeling of utmost despondency and unimportance. For a moment she feels a flicker of recognition, an epiphany that lasts for the briefest of seconds. Who knew that such an off-hand remark, such an unimportant admission could be a window into her deepest psych? Hermione certainly didn't, and if she had she wouldn't say what she does. "I just feel so lonely, so empty."

Harry pulls her into his chest, cradling her head into his arms. "It's alright, I'm here now. You've got me. You've got lots of people. No need to feel lonely."

Hermione doubts that, questions his words. Sure, cognitively she's in a house surrounded by people who'd drop whatever they're doing for a few minutes to calm her down, but do they really care about her, or do they just feel guilty? Do they just pity her? The little voice that echoes her deepest insecurities always seems to prevail with that one. Still, the sound of Harry's heartbeat and the comfort of his embrace is enough to soothe these feelings for a bit. It's just enough interaction, enough human companionship, to get the overpowering feelings of loneliness to subside and for the sobs to slowly dwindle down to the random nose sniffle.

Once that is taken care of, she's set. She pulls away, bows her head in embarrassment, and attempts to make a break. No need to make a big deal of it. Of course, Harry won't let that happen. No, he pulls her deeper into a hug, tilts her head up and tells her he's there for her, just in case she didn't already know. "You're my best mate 'Mione."

She knows this isn't true. She's the third wheel. The one who turned the dynamic duo into the trio. Ron and Harry are great mates, and they make a great team. She won't deny that, but she's not delusional. Ron and Harry's bromance is incomparable- not to be messed with, and at the core of everything. And while she would once consider herself Ron's first, she won't dare fool herself into thinking that she's near the top of Harry's list. There's Ginny and Ron, and a few other people, and then Hermione. She's up there, but not number one, and that's okay… it's just sometimes she wishes she were at least somebody's top.

"It's fine, Harry." She says, taking a deep breath, "I was just being emotional. I've got it under control. Honestly, there's no need to be sentimental."

He doubts it, of course he does. Why shouldn't he? The whole world's already established that Hermione's emotionally distant and not to be trusted with her own recovery. So, of course, Harry makes her stay and sit with him just in case. She wonders if he's making a mental checklist of all the sharp objects she could hurt herself with, too. Hermione huffs and rolls her eyes, she shouldn't have said anything. She should have stayed in her room and cried by herself. So pathetic…

"I'm sorry, Harry," she whispers.

"Don't be," he says, "But if you don't mind me asking, what really started this?"

She closes her eyes and tries to shove out the truth. "Ron," she says, "It's not his fault. But that awkward distance between us is starting to get to me. I don't know how it's possible to just be friends with someone that you're completely in love with."

"Hermione…" Harry says, a lecture at the tip of his tongue, "You know you're not supposed to-"

"Yes, Harry, I know. I know that I'm not supposed to get involved romantically with anyone. I know I'm not supposed to love Ron. I know that it's supposedly not good for me! But Merlin's beard, being in love with someone isn't exactly the easiest thing to control!"

"I know," Harry nods his head, "I get it. Remember that I had to break up with Ginny to protect her, too. Our situation was a tad different, but you have to know that Ron's only doing what he thinks is best for you. He does still care about you, he really does. But you need to try to focus on something else."

"But Harry, you knew that eventually you'd get back with Ginny. There was no deranged healer telling you that your relationship with her was dysfunctional and the reason for all your problems. You could still kiss her when you saw her. You could still say you loved her without the whole world worrying about your sanity."

"Well sure, but it was still difficult. And maybe they've gone a little bit too far in your case. But it's all for the best. And imagine Ron, he's the one whose being blamed for your problems."

"Which is absolutely absurd!" Hermione interrupted Harry.

"Just relax, Mione," Harry looks around the room anxiously, "You really shouldn't be dealing with this sort of drama right now. It's exactly what they're trying to avoid. So just focus on getting better, okay? For me?"

She slowly nods her head in agreement, but the longing for Ron still permeates her every thought.


	3. Part 1: Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry, for the long wait. I've been really, really busy. Erghh…. I was even thinking of just giving up on this sequel because of my hectic life, but I definitely won't even consider it after all the nice reviews. (Plus, I've got so many plans for this and plot lines I need to finish up!) I'll definitely try to update more. And if I don't update to your satisfaction you can nag me in the reviews section, and I'll try to adjust my schedule accordingly (No promises). Anyhow, thanks for everyone who reviewed in the last update, and please stick around. I promise that once things slow down I'll update more frequently. And WARNING for offensive language—there may or may not be a fight….**

**Caligirl: Thanks! And your advice was good. I hope the next few chapters are better?**

Ginny's the new head girl. Hermione's not surprised. "Are you sure you're not upset?" They ask her over and over again as if at any moment her emotions will immediately morph into some intangible sadness or anger regarding the event. She tells them she's fine, and she really is. But, of course, they won't believe her, looking at her as if she's some Pinocchio incapable of telling them the truth. And, sure, she'll admit that she's a bit jealous (and maybe just a tad bitter). However, she really is truly happy for Ginny. And the whole event isn't at all unexpected; Ginny will make a great head girl.

Ginny tells her she'll decline the post if Hermione wants her too. Harry keeps reassuring Hermione that she's got plenty of other great things in her life to focus on. Mrs. Weasley makes her eat thirds at dinner. Her healer wants to talk about her feelings surrounding the subject for a whole session. And, Ron mutters on about how it's for the best whenever the subject is brought up.

And Hermione can't help but think that all this attention and concern for her is sorely misplaced. They should be congratulating and celebrating Ginny's accomplishment. It's a big deal. She, of all people, knows. They should be just as proud and happy for Ginny as they were when the previous Weasley children were named head's. But instead of a merry affair, the family was solemn when they heard the news. Curt nods and mumbled "congratulations" were afterthoughts to the worried glances they sent Hermione for days after. They seemed to think that celebrating it might bother her, send her over the edge back into a relapse?

It's not till they arrive at platform 9 ¾ that she realizes how jealous she truly is, how bitter she is over the whole affair. It's only because it would give her the authority, the power, the control of the situation around her. It would give her some task, something to do to distract herself from the disapproving glares of girls who once idolized the ground she walked on. And, maybe, just maybe, if she still could wear that Head Girl badge, they'd still look at her and not see a total failure. She could prove that she didn't lose everything in her rendezvous with starvation. But there really is nothing left. She's lost everything, and the whole school seems to know it.

"You ready?" Ron says. She wants to tell him that 'no, she is not', but that doesn't seem to be a good idea. Not really. What would he say in response? That she doesn't have to go. No, she's made too much of a mess already, and it's time she fix it. She has to face her fears.

But is she ready? Is she really recovered? Or will she sink back into temptation once back to the pressures of Hogwarts? She's already been faced with the pressure to carve into her skin and get a therapeutic rush of pain. And there is always the overwhelming voices beggin her to purge the meals she's consumed, reminding her of the way the fat will cling to her body. But she's been able to handle it. Or has she?

Maybe it's just that she wouldn't be able to do those things at the Weasley's. It was made impossible. She never had to face the pressures without external forces present. If she wanted to cut, there was never a moment alone or a sharp object alone. If she wanted to skip a meal, a threat of St. Mungo's would be vocalized. If she didn't eat enough, more food was piled on her plate. And she was never allowed to be alone or go to the bathroom for 3 hours after a meal, making purging simply impossible. Plus, there was the added luxury of having every mirror and scale removed from the house, to ensure that'd she'd be relapse free.

There will be no silver spoon at Hogwarts to stop her from temptation. By no means will she be left to her own devices (and it will annoy her to no avail), but she'll have more freedom. She'll have more temptations and oppurtunities to fall into a relapse. It's like this whole thing is a test, but she's not sure she's ready to take it without failing. She's not sure if she'll ever be able to.

She nods her head, and the group departs their separate ways. Ron and Ginny head off towards the prefect's cart, bickering as heads and siblings over who'll do what.

"You all right?" Harry asks her, once it's just the two of them

"Fine," she chokes out, trying to ignore a group of fifth years, who she vaguely recognizes as the group that had begged for her autograph all last semester. They mock her now, enjoying her downfall as a source of amusement. Hermione had once stood a role model to so many of the younger girls, even during last semester. And she had so neglectfully disappointed them and thrown it all away. The ring leader (a Gryffindor, to only make the matter worse) looked straight at her and started to make gagging gestures. Her friends soon copied her motions, cackling as her cheeks turned bright red. A rebel of the group gets creative she begins to pretend she is cutting herself. Hermione can't help but flinch at that, and her eyes begin to flirt with the ground. "Why wouldn't I be?"

At the sound of a low 'Moo!' coming from their direction, she is forced to look up and pay notice to the little monsters. Harry follows her gaze to the perpetuators of her noticeable horror. "Ignore them, 'Mione," he says, "They're only third years."

She nods her head. "I'm trying to Harry, but I didn't think anybody would know. I didn't know I'd have to face this sort of thing."

"You shouldn't have to," Harry agreed, quickly. He picked up both their trunks and led her to the Hogwarts express.

But the 'Moos' still rung in her ears, even once they'd found the safety of an empty compartment. "It's okay if you're bummed," Harry says, "Even, I get a little jealous of Ron sometimes."

Hermione smiles, "You should tell him that, you know. It would really help him out in the self-esteem department. Help eradicate his side-kick syndrome."

"He's seemed to get over it."

She shrugs her shoulders, "Maybe he has. I've been a little bit preoccupied with myself lately."

"And that's fine," Harry lectures, "You can put yourself first once in a while. You don't always have to care about everyone else."

"I don't. I didn't," she says, with a solemn look of defeat, "That's part of the problem. Last semester I didn't care about anyone but myself."

"That's not true..." Harry tries to console her, "You were sick, you had more important things going on than everyone else. You still are."

"No, no." Hermione says tears starting to build up behind her eyes, like a water dam ready to burst. "You and Ron are trying to save Sirius and might die doing it. And I should really be stopping you from doing something far more dangerous and risky than any battle you've ever done."

"It's not that dangerous," Harry says, "And, see you're not self involved. You've voiced your concerns about us fluently and managed to figure out a lot more than we wanted you to."

"But, I knew what Pansy was doing. I knew how bad it had gotten, but I didn't tell anyone. Instead I helped her. I helped her kill herself. I helped her die."

At this point, she's crying without constraint. She knows it's ridiculous. That she shouldn't have brought it up. Lately it seems like she can't even have a conversation without it turning into some emotional epiphany. It's truly embarassing, and she hurriedly attempts to hide her face from view of both the train windows and glass cabin doors. But anyone passing by can clearly see her dismay. Including Ron checking to make sure everyone's in a cabin before the train departs.

He opens the cabin door without hesitation. "Blimey, Harry. 5 minutes. You had to watch over her for five minutes and she's already in tears."

"It's not like you could do any better," Harry's voice is harsh.

"Well, come on, comfort her."

"Why don't you?" Harry challenges, "If you think you're so much better at helping her, go ahead."

"You know I can't."

"Can't what? Be a human being." Harry's voice is unfamiliar. It frightens Hermione. There's so much anger, so much hate. And what's worse is that she's the cause, the trigger for this whole ordeal.

"Stop being a bloody git."

"Me? You've been an asshole to Hermione. Just because you can't be together doesn't give you the right to be wanker."

Hermione can barely breathe. She hates when Ron and Harry fight. But to make it worse—they're fighting about her. At any moment she expects them to shout insults directly at her.

"Shut up, Harry. You don't know anything. You haven't done shit. I'm the one who's had to take care of everything, fix everything."

"And you've done a great job." Harry's sarcasm is not lost on Hermione. She could feel her pulse quicken. That insult hurt, stung. Was she really such a failure?

"She's right there, you know?" Ron says, "I've never made her cry, I've never made it worse."

"Right, because that's why you're not allowed to date anymore."

"Shut up!" Ron says, "You know…that wasn't all my fault"

"It's your fucking fault! But you can't see that because you're too busy telling everyone else what to do. So sorry, but maybe you should be the one cleaning up the mess."

_She's just a mess apparently. A really horrible mess that nobody really wants to help. She's like the dishes nobody wants to do, an argument over an unwanted obligation. She's known it all along. _

The words keep trickling out of their mouths, bitter shut downs and angry blames. All the while, they forget she's here, it's as if she's invisible, it's as if she doesn't matter. Some of the words, no, a lot of the words hurt, a lot. And she wants to tell them to stop, that in their argument over who's hurt her more, they've managed to emotionally destroy her in minutes. She wants to know if they realize that their mutilating the fragments of self-esteem she's been trying to build up, and she wonders if they even care.

That's when Ginny comes in. She sees Hermione crying, and Ron and Harry facing off, nearly yelling their insults for the whole carriage to hear. She's fuming as she comes to deduce what has happened. "Don't you two morons realize you're upsetting her? Stop it."

But the fight continues. In fact, it worsens, because now it is between three of her so called "friends" instead of two. Add in the already delicate chemistry of best friends, romance, and siblings, and there is no doubt that it will emerge into a full out brawl between Ron and Harry. By the time it does, Hermione is barely able to breathe. Her vision is foggy, and her hearing is overwhelmed with sharp words and backhanded insults.

She has to get away from it. It's all just too much. As she squeezes through the eager students watching their 'heroes' beating each other up like old fashioned muggles, she realizes that everyone is looking at her differently. And then she sees the group of fifth years, yet again. They lock eyes with her and the one in front smiles. "Attention whore."

"You mean Anorexic whore?" The one to her left gives a cruel laugh, despite her joke not being at all funny.

"That too." The girl looks right at her, and it's all just too much for Hermione. She has to run down the hall, squeezing through the hordes of students hoping to see the ordeal characterized by the growing chant of "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

The tears flood over her face until she runs into something, no, someone. She stops and looks up to apologize. But is shocked to see none other than Malfoy. "I'm sorry…" she mumbles before trying to swerve her way around him. But he grabs her wrist, so she can't leave.

She turns around to look at him, a wild look in her eye. "You're going to get yourself killed," he says, before realizing how stupid his words are. She begins to cry harder. "Oh shit! I'm sorry Hermione! I wasn't thinking."

He pulls her into an empty cabin (its occupants probably gone due to the call of a good fight), and sits her down. He shuts the glass doors, muffling out the chaos and noise that was making her so upset, but not completely eradicating it. He lets her cry for a long time, more than Harry and Ron would, without interference.

He doesn't make her talk. He doesn't try to fix her. But, in that moment, he does save her.

A/N: I'm sure you all want to kill me right now. But I do promise this is, without a doubt, a Ron/Hermione story. Okay?


	4. Part 1: Chapter 4

The Hogwarts express continues to chug away from the safety of London. There is no way of turning back now. Hermione's life has restarted, and the pause button is out of sight.

"So you're back?" Malfoy asks after her tears subside. His skepticism-filled voice looms over her.

"Yes," she says.

"And you're better now?" He continues his interrogation.

"I've gained a significant amount of weight."

"That doesn't mean you're recovered," Malfoy scoffs, "It means you're physically stable."

She gives him a frosty glare.

"Sorry," Malfoy says, although the word is clearly meaningless on his tongue. He knows exactly what he's saying, and there is not a twinge of regret or caution on his face. "If I'm crossing some border, but you remind me of Pansy. Of how sure she was about her recovery during 5th year, but she wasn't really. She'd gained weight, but she wasn't better emotionally, and it was a matter of weeks after being released from St. Mungo's that she fell into the same old trap."

"What are you talking about?" Hermione is confused. "Pansy went to St. Mungo's?"

"She never told you about that?"

"No, she never mentioned anything."

"Pansy was anorexic for a long time," Malfoy says with twinge of remorse in his voice, "It's hard to say when it all started. Maybe before she even came to Hogwarts. Who knows exactly? But she'd been skinny as long as I remember. But it wasn't until 4th year that I realized that something was really off about her, you know? We'd go days without seeing her at the dining hall, and she had this weird obsession with weight. She'd always been one to skip meals and try out the newest diets, but by that point we were all old enough to realize it wasn't exactly normal. Still I figured it was a phase or something. By the time fifth year rolled around, there was no doubt that Pansy had an eating disorder. I never saw her eat that year, not once. But I was too afraid to say something, everyone was. We all expected someone else to take care of it. Of course, no one did, and we all ended up realizing how stupid we'd been when we got to see her faint in the Slytherin common room.

"She got sent off to St. Mungo's then, and she returned a month later. She'd gained weight, and everyone assumed she was better, that she was fixed. But she wasn't really. Within weeks she'd returned to old habits, she was just a little more secretive about them. Sixth year, it was obvious what she was doing. Nobody could deny it, same with the year of the Wizarding War. But we were all too busy with Voldemort's return to pay attention. Especially me, I didn't even try to help. This year we returned, and there was no trying to pretend things were alright. There were no excuses. And, well, you know the rest."

"I'm sorry," Hermione said, "I didn't realize."

She shut her eyes. She'd known girls in the clinic who spent half their lives in and out of the hospital, never fully recovering. But the idea of that seemed so distant, so impossible. She'd been sure it wouldn't happen to her, but if Pansy had fallen to relapse, why won't she? And what scares her most is that Pansy had died. Will that be her same fate?

After a moment of silence the previous occupants come to the door with confused trances. They open the doors only to hear Malfoy give them directions to go elsewhere. "We'll be needing this cabin for a while."

"But where are we to go?"

"Somewhere else," Malfoy says, with a desolate stare. They're far too intimidated and petrified by his ex-death eater status to stay around or argue. They scatter as soon as they find their trunks, leaving Malfoy to chuckle softly to himself. "2nd years," he shakes his head.

"You called me, Hermione," she says suddenly, an epiphany. It may be completely random, and out of the blue. But she needs something elses to talk about other than Pansy. Another mention of her name, her illness or her death will give Hermione a panic attack. "In the hall, when I bumped into you; you called me by my first name."

"I did," Malfoy nods his head, "After all, we were on first-name basis for a while last semester."

"Right…"

"And just because Pansy's… well just because she's gone doesn't mean we can't still be cordial."

"Of course not," there are a few more minutes of silence._ Of course, he had to bring her up again._ "So, I should call you Draco from now on?"

"If you want to."

"I do," She assures him, "And thank you, Draco, for helping me out. I really am an emotional mess."

Just then she sees Ron fix his face to the glass partition between the hall and the cabin. His eyes are practically bulging, and his lips are morphed into a clear frown. He is obviously not happy with the situation. As he opens the glass door, Hermione waits with dread for the lecture that will inevitably take place.

He steps in and begins to move his mouth. But Hermione can't put together his words. As he prattles on, all she can think about is how he shouldn't be lecturing her after he just got into a brawl. _And, to think, that he's supposed to be head boy!_ She's so tired of his lectures, his worn-out comforting, and the way he's not at all like the boy she used to love and adore. Lately it's more like he's the doctor and she's the patient. Like he's the parent and she's the child. And Hermione really is sick of it. She's better, and she doesn't need him telling her what to do.

And then three words pop out of her mouth, "Go away, Ron!"

The bitter resentment is not lost on Ron and Malfoy. Their shocked mouths fall open. Ron sputters some words out, but she refuses to listen. She'll ignore him, just like he ignored her during his rendezvous with insults moments earlier. "You hurt my feelings Ron," she says bluntly. Her healer had said that holding things in was bad for her. "And frankly, I don't want to see you right now."

"Right, because you'd rather be with Malfoy!"

"Yes, I would. After all, he just saved mefrom having a nervous breakdown after you and Harry couldn't control yourselves!"

"Hermione, stop being ridiculous," Ron says. "It's Malfoy!"

At this point it's Draco Malfoy's turn to show his disdain to the red-headed boy. "And what exactly does that mean, Weasley?"

"It means you're a ferret-humping death eater. And your pure-blood elitist attitude isn't the best thing for Hermione to be around."

"Ron! Stop trying to pick a fight with everybody!" Hermione stands up from her sitting position, "I know I'm frustrating to be around, but, if you can't control your mouth, then I think I'd be better off staying away from you until you cool down."

"And who'll make sure you don't go off the deep end?" Ron asks, sarcasm in his voice, "Clearly, Harry's incapable."

Before she can insert her objections of not needing a babysitter, Draco begins to volunteer himself. "I will."

Ron looks at her, curious of the response. He's doubtful that she'll agree. _After all it is Malfoy._ But Hermione smiles at his distraught, _And Malfoy is perfectly capable. _She notices his shudder, her actions seem unwarranted to him. Her genuine agreement to such an affair- was close to an atrocity.

"Hermione?" He asks for some sort of clarification.

"Malfoy will."

"But…"

"You're not my parent, Ron." She says calmly, "You're not the boss of me. And I know I've made some bad decisions lately, but I'm not incapable."

"You're being ridiculous Hermione!" Ron grits his teeth, "Obviously, you need to go back to St. Mungo's. This has to be some sort of relapse. It's Malfoy, after all."

"Bye Ron!" Hermione lets off enough force that he doesn't dare argue with her. He only leaves, sputtering out mumbles of words that she'd most likely find insulting if she could comprehend them.

Malfoy gives her a quirked eyebrow. "Trouble in paradise," he asks.

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. Is it worth a response? "Never was paradise. It never can be. Not with Ron. Not with my luck."

Malfoy smiles. Hermione smiles back, and neither are sure why.

_A/N: Hey guys! So… I'm super-duper sorry about posting this so late. I just am very, very busy, and I didn't really know what to write about. But I have a great plan now, just as long as I can find time to write it. Also… Don't worry this will end up to be a Ron/Hermione romance, but you must be patient. There has to be some conflict after all…. Sorry if Malfoy /Hermione makes you gag. And next is the feast… so that will be very interesting for Hermione . Anyways, hope you enjoy. _


	5. Part 1: Chapter 5

AN: Erghh... this took so long to post. Sorry. Hope you all enjoy.

Ron stares at Hermione from across the dining hall. He can't believe this is happening, can't believe she's sitting with _them_, with_ him._ Slytherins! Malfoy! This has got to be a joke. She's gone absolutely mental. And she says that he's being ridiculous! Ha! She's the one who starved herself for half a year, all but killed herself in the end, and even then she would have liked to. Yeah, Ron was being unreasonable. He's just doing exactly what the healers and his obsessive mother told him to, and it's just about killing him.

It's been three days, and they haven't spoken a word. "Tell Ron I just need some time," she'd told Ginny, "It's not that I'm mad. It's that it just hurts too hard to be around him, when we can't be together."

He knew the feeling, but still seeing her with Malfoy was utterly revolting. It had to be some sort of twisted joke. This was his Hermione, the girl who singlehandedly managed to save his life at least a dozen times, the girl he's loved since the first time he saw her. She had to know that he loved her. But the healers said he needed to stay away, be there if she asks, respect her wishes if she'd rather not. But they'd said very clearly that his romantic involvement with her would be detrimental to her recovery.

He wonders what they'd say about Malfoy. They haven't been apart since he got back, and it's making him really sick. He hasn't slept a decent night's worth since they got back. Malfoy says that he's taking care of her, but wasn't he supposed to be taking care of Pansy too, but now she's eight feet under the ground. Obviously, something must be done about this. It's Ron's duty to make sure this does not progress.

And he hasn't seen her eat one bite this morning, and it's killing him. _Come on, Hermione._ She lifts the spoon to her lips and then returns it too her bowl. She didn't come down to dinner last night either. He knows because he waited from five to ten, just to make sure.

The thing is he really wants her. He really wants to slide his lips up against hers, to caress her body, and to whisper sweet nothings into her ears. But it's not possible. It's simply not permitted. So he'll just watch from afar, like a guardian angel trying to keep her alive. But, he really does love her. He hopes she knows that, he hopes she understands.

He looks over at her. It's just not fair. He's not supposed to be with her because it might be a trigger, but it doesn't look like his absence is helping her out much. Especially when he watches her stand up, food left uneaten. Malfoy doesn't say a word; instead he just flirts with her and looks at Ron with a bloody, pompous smirk. Ron really wants to cast a few spells on the ferret, but for the sake of Hermione and his wish to avoid another detention, he contains himself. He watches Hermione leave the dining hall. He can't believe it. She has got to be kidding.

He has to say something. He has to do something.

When he heads out in the hallway, he sees Malfoy again. Malfoy's cruel smile sends shivers down his spine. Why isn't he with her? Why does he look so happy when Hermione seems on the verge of a relapse? Does he realize that she's not eating? Why is he letting this occur?

"I bet its killing you Weasley." Ron knows what he's talking about, or, at least, he thinks he does. "That Hermione will be mine any day now."

Ron can't speak. He never has had this problem, not before. Especially not with Malfoy; the potential comebacks or endless. But the anger welled up inside of him prohibit words from forming on his lips.

"Why didn't you tell me she was a cherry Ron? I would have taken care of that a long time ago."

That's when Ron performs a spell, a not so kind spell. The kind of spell that could potentially get you expelled, detention, or, in Ron's case, in a delicate spot of losing your spot of Head Boy.

Ron doesn't care though. He's just mad, and satisfied with the results. So Draco, ends up waddling around like a duck for a few month, and Ron thinks the sacrifice is worth it, particularly after his comments over Hermione.

It doesn't take much for him to get Harry and Ginny on his side over the whole Malfoy debacle. A few quotes from the wanker, and Ron's the one from stopping Harry from killing him. And they all decide that Hermione will not be seeing Malfoy, at all, anymore.

The hard part is telling her. Explaining to her without hurting her feelings. So Ron decides to do it, to suck it up, and be a man. There is just no way that she's going to hang out with that bloody git, after those comments.

After a stern talking to from McGonnagal, the removal of his head boy badge, the revelation of a few detentions to occur in the following weeks and a suspension from Quidditch, he heads off to tell Hermione and to explain the situation in the most delicate way possible.

After the first few sentence he fails, "What do you mean? You three have decided that I'm not allowed to date Malfoy? To hang out with him? I'm a grown girl, Ron. I don't need you to tell me who I can and cannot date."

"I bloody well think so if you're running around with guys like Draco Malfoy! He's only using you to irritate me, you know. And to get your virginity too, as soon as he realizes that you aren't going to be promiscuous he'll dump you. And then what's going to happen, huh? You won't eat for weeks."

"Ron, I can't believe you!" She screeches, "First you won't go out with me because you don't want me to relapse. Then you decide to tell me who I can and cannot date. I love you, Ron. But I can't promise that I'm just going to wait around forever, while you try to figure out what you want."

"There's not anything to figure out," Ron sputters out, "I want you, but it's not what's best for you."

"Oh please!" she stomps her foot like a five your old and crosses her arm, "If anything Ronald you keep me sane, you keep me happy. And what's the harm in that?"

"I- I-" but before Ron can answer she's already gone, and he questions the constraints that are currently present. Shouldn't he be allowed to date her, when the only reason he can't is because he could allegedly trigger a relapse and it appears that a relapse may already be occurring? What if his romantic presence could actually help her? Probably not, but then again his mother, Mrs. Weasley , always told him to never underestimate the power of love.

Besides anything would be better than her dating Malfoy.


	6. Part 1: Chapter 6

**A/N: LOLs... SO I've changed this chapter. Let's just say my own love life, or end of one, was deeply clouding my judgement last time. Anyways, I'm sorry I let that get in the way of my plot. Looking back it was definitely OOC'ish, but at the time I felt like Ron was becoming Mary Sue-ish. I know it was stupid, so I've changed it... For those of you who've already read it. Scroll towards the end. I hope you enjoy!**

It's a beautiful spring day at Hogwarts, almost perfect. Hermione's eyes are transfixed on the pristine lake, trickling ever so softly because of the merfolk below. The sky is a perfect blue, with the occasional cloud, bright and airy, floating by. The sun beats against her almost translucent skin, and the smell of flowers budding and a recent rainfall perfumes the air. But one thing ruins it for her-the birds. Their incessant chirping, which seems to fascinate Ginny and Neville, only functions as a bother to Hermione, a disruption of peace. However, her arguments opposing the creatures seem only to stir the group into controversy, and, unfortunately, everyone becomes her opposition.

"It's nature," they protest. She replies that not all nature is good. After all earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, hurricanes and tornadoes aren't exactly considered enjoyable.

"Well, I find the chirping relaxing," Ron says matter-of-factly.

"You find barbaric games of wizard chest, relaxing," she snaps back.

"Lighten up," somebody says, but she can't discern who. Instead she rolls her eyes, head back down to the ground. Any argument she tries to voice for her position will be futile. She knows the feeling too well. She tries to redirect her focus on the clouds above. It's no surprise that they begin to bother her too.

She can almost hear the sideways glances, the cocked eyes and the what-is-wrong-with-her smirks. She tries not to care; she tries to pretend it doesn't matter to her. It does. Yes, she reasons, she's annoying but they'd been as well. Their never ending nags have been pulling on her last straws. 'Hermione, you can't see Malfoy.' 'Hermione, eat your potatoes.' 'Hermione, have you been exercising?' or 'Hermione, are you alright?' It has simply become too much.

But they can't know that. They'd send her back to St. Mungo's, and that can't happen. So she gives them the answers they long to hear. A simple "I'm all right, promise" is enough for the questioning to subside for hours. And, so, the lies and fake smiles become just as easy as they had before, her heart a closed door.

Sometimes she just wants to scream, cry and tell them that she's not alright and that her lying with a crooked smile doesn't mean she's okay. She's miserable. Every day she's gaining weight. Every day she's being stuffed with food. Every day she's getting better, and, yes, she does want to get better. Yet, still, there's a part of her that doesn't. She wants to be healthy, but also to be skinny. She wants to be happy with life, but also with her weight. She wants the disorder to be controlled, but also control of what she eats. There are two opposing forces battling out in her brain, and lately the one telling her to starve has been winning.

"You alright Hermione?" Ginny asks.

"Yeah," she lies, "If those birds would shut up."

Everybody giggles. It's not funny. Her unhappiness should be painfully clear. Somebody should realize she's relapsing. She can't help but skipping a meal or puking one up once in a while. She thinks somebody should figure it out, and she doesn't know they already have. They've lectured her plenty, sat her down for lectures. But she just wants one person to ask her how she's feeling, to realize she's not alright. She'd lie and say she was fine, but she wants somebody to figure out that she's lying.

"Cut, the crap," Ron says just on cue, and is responded with a quick slap from his younger sister, "What are you actually miffed at? I know this has nothing to do with the birds."

"I'm miffed at the birds," she says, "That's all there is to it."

Nobody says anything more; they're all afraid too. They're afraid of being a little too confrontational and, in response, her ignoring them for weeks. They worry about her being left to her own devices. At least this way they can monitor her, make sure she's staying on track.

"So how's everybody doing with their amigi?" Ginny asks.

Her face flattens. Perhaps, it's ironic that she despised that class, abhorred the professor, but she still misses it terribly. She keeps picturing herself transfiguring into a dolphin, swimming in the deep blue, playing in the water as it caresses her skin. She had always loved the water, the freedom one could get from floating atop its marbled top. She wants to be an amigus too. She wonders at the adventures she will miss out on, Harry and Ron running off, leaving her with no amigus to turn into.

"Absolutely splendid," Ron says sarcastically, "I feel adequately prepared to turn into my amigus during N.E.W.T.S. When the only transfiguration that takes place is a coat of red fur, a pointy nose and some freaky looking teeth."

Everybody laughs then, and she can hear Harry slap Ron's back. "At least you've figured out your Halloween costume for next year, mate."

"Yeah," Neville smiles, "And it's a lot better than anybody else has gotten."

She lets a loud sigh out of faux frustration with the conversation.

"You're smart to have dropped that class, Hermione," Hannah says, "It's become absolutely dreadful!"

"I didn't have a choice," she says, and an awkward pause overtakes the group. Her attention turns to the awful bird chirping.

That's when Neville speaks up, "I'm kind of hungry. We should go get lunch."

And then, as if it were perfectly coordinated, all eyes snap towards Hermione. It frustrates her sometimes that nobody ever bugs Hannah about eating. She goes along merrily, without any resistance. Perfect little Hannah goes to therapy, eats her meals, and smiles all day long. It's not fair that she gets to have a relationship to Neville, but relationships for Hermione are "prohibited".

"Hermione?" Harry prods, "Are you coming?"

She takes a deep breath, and shuts her eyes. "I'll go later. 10 minutes, I swear. I'm just enjoying this."

She knows it must sound ridiculous, her complaining and then suddenly deciding to stay.

"But-," She hears the sound muffled out. They must have gotten tired of her overwhelming antics.

"I'll wait with you," Ron says, as everybody else stands up to leave. A sigh of relief is overheard because they don't have to make a huge protest. Ron is handling the crazy friend, and that is all they need to know.

"Fine," her lips mutter.

When the whole group leaves it gets quiet, eerily so. And the chirps seem to increase with every passing second. She knows she shouldn't be so focused on their so called 'music', but her tolerance has seemed to dissipate in the passing weeks. The constant jabs at who she can and cannot see, namely Draco Malfoy, has tested her last straw. It has become evident, that all independence and control of her life which she had once possessed has been lost over the course of her treatment. Her consumption of food, her activities, her classes, her daily life, her friendships, her relationships, and even, at times, her wardrobe had all been taken out of her hands.

"I'm a big girl," she says to Ron, "You can go. I don't need you to sit here and babysit me."

"I know, but it's kind of nice out."

"Even with them?" she motions to the birds above, causing Ron to laugh.

She takes a deep breath, the clean air filling her lungs and the smell of spring fresh in her nose. "Hermione, if you could do anything at all, what would you do?"

"I don't know," she says, "Go back in time, perhaps. Warn everybody about the war, get Harry to destroy the Horcruxes before Voldemort's return to power."

"Couldn't you do that?" Ron quirks his head, "Couldn't you use your time turner? Why hasn't anyone done that?"

"You can't just change history, Ron. That's dangerous. Things happen for a reason. People who were supposed to die would be alive, and, more importantly, people who were supposed to be alive… might not be. Not to mention the consequences, there are reasons people don't mess with time, Ron. It's the unknown."

"But isn't the risk worth it? To save a life, to fix a mistake."

"Not at the expense, the unknown. Ronald, does this have anything to do with your plan to save Sirius?"

"No… Yes… I'm just having a difficult time deciding if it's even the right thing to do."

"It's dangerous, Ron. Messing with death… Sirius wouldn't be happy. He wouldn't have liked it."

"You don't have to remind me of that 'Mione," he says. She sees his gaze wondering off into the distance. Mouth entranced into a bewitched frown. "But Harry's set on it."

"Anyways," he pulls back into his old self, "How are things?"

"Great."

"No, really 'Mione, how are you?"

"Fine, I've been eating my meals. Getting better, if that's what you want to know."

He looks dubious, like he recognizes her lie, and he probably does. However, instead of giving her a 45 minute lecture on how important she is and the necessities of eating, he just shakes his head. "I'm not asking about _that_, Hermione. I just want to know what's been happening in your life."

She smiles at that, because it's nice to have him care about her sans the anorexia. "Nothing much, Ron. It's been boring, I suppose."

"What about Malfoy? You haven't been seeing that bloke?"

"Are you kidding?" She says, almost with a smile, "After what you've done to him, he practically runs away every time I as much as look at him. He's afraid of what you'll do next."

"Good," Ron smiles.

"Yeah, well don't think you can go out with anyone without my approval, now," Hermione smiles, "You've dug yourself into a deep hole Ron Weasley."

For a moment they are fine, and then they are not.

"Hermione, we should really go to lunch, now."

"I'm not hungry, Ron. You can go without me."

But he didn't move, instead he looked at her ever so intently with a sad look plastered across his face.

"Come on, Hermione," Ron runs his hands through his hair, obviously uncomfortable, "I haven't been saying anything because I know you need your space, but you can't keep doing this. You can't skip meals."

"I haven't been skipping meals," Hermione's heart races.

"Oh yes you have," he says, "And it bothers me."

"Whatever," She rolls her eyes, "I don't care."

He gazes at her, a storm of emotions cluttering up his vision. "I thought you wanted to get better. We all did."

Her heart sinks a little. Her jaw tightens, and for a moment she feels nothing but shame. She has disappointed everyone, and it breaks her heart. She had promised to get better, wanted to even. But the anorexia had gotten a hold of her again, and she was faced with the truth. The thing she had once feared more than anything was in her face, again. She had failed. "I'm so sorry," she manages to squeeze out; " I want to get better. I do. I've really been trying."

"I know," he says, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I know. I shouldn't have said that."

"I just don't know what to do," she begins to cry. She's breaking down in front of him, and it should embarass her. However, she's used to being a mess, used to this vulnerability. "It's like I have a thousand feelings, a thousand voices in my head constantly battling for my attention. I want to get better, honestly I do, but I still don't want to get fat."

"I thought you've gotten over that?" he says, "Being afraid of getting fat."

She shakes her head 'no'. "It's not that I'm not better. I am, just not all the way. I'm not great. To be honest, I still want to be thin. I still have emotionsthat I can't completely control."

"Don't try to control them," Ron says, "Trying to control them is what got us here in the first place. You just have to deal with them."

"But how do I deal with loving you Ron?" she says, "Because it's killing me, Ron. You're all I want."

"Hermione," he whispers, "I-"

"Shh…" she says, pressing her finger on his lips, "I just want to know how."

And the birds are chirping more than ever before, but Hermione doesn't notice them at all. All she hears is Ron's breath approaching her as they lean in ever so close. She feels her lips tingle, her body shiver with excitement, as he begins to kiss her. They pull apart, and then she leans forward, only to be met with nothing.

She opens her eyes to see that Ron has pulled away. "Hermione, I'm sorry," his face is flushed as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders, "I shouldn't have done that."

"No," she says, her voice delicate and soft, "It was perfect, Ron. It's like you said we can't control our feelings."

His body stiffens, "Hermione, we can't see each other."

"Because of what the healers said? Ron, it hurts me more being away from you. I need you."

He tightens up, "'Mione. You know I care about you, but we can't."

"Why not?"

"Hermione, don't do this. You know the reasons."

"No, I don't! For all I know while you were yelling at me about developing a relationship with Draco, you were starting your own relationship with some stupid tramp?"

"Hermione..." he says, a stern worry ever present, "Calm down. You know that's not true."

"Yeah…" Hermione nods her head, bitterness in her eyes, "And the whole time you were telling me that the only reason we weren't together was because of what the healers had said. Why don't you just admit it was simply a convenient excuse so you didn't have to tell me that I just wasn't good enough for you anymore."

"Hermione. You're perfect. I love you, but this is crazy. I don't want to be the reason for your misery!"

"Right…" her cynical smile almost frightens him, and she can see it in his eyes, "the whole 'it's not you, it's me' line. Spare me the lies, Ron. You at least owe me that much. Who is she?"

"Hermione…" he says, "you're being ridiculous

"No," her aggressive tone throws him back, "Tell me. Because I want to get to yell at you for some skanky bitch, just the way you did to me about Draco."

"Hermione…"

"I bet she's stupid, right? Some dumb whore that has nothing but her make-up'd face and $100 hair hair cut. Was she easy for you Ron. She must be really great in the sack for you to be exclusive after a couple of weeks. You know-"

"You're acting insane," he cuts her off._ Insane... Insane... Insane... _She is insane. And the word stings like the ointment her parents used to put on her scraped knees. It's enough to make her dizzy, very dizzy. The kind of dizzy that would make her pass out. But she knows she won't. She's stronger than that, right? But the confrontation is making everything blurry, or maybe it's the lack of food. No, it's the confrontation- Ron's indiscretions.

_"I'm not insane, tell me who it is!" she's choking on tears._

_"You're right. I'm so sorry, Hermione. It's just that Luna and I, we have something special."_

_"Luna?" her body freezes, and her eyes look she's about to cry, "Lovegood?"_

_"I'm sorry, Hermione," he says, "It's just we have a connection, and she's the first girl- the first girl I've felt anything for since you. But neither of us wants to hurt you Hermione. We care about you so much. So if you don't want us to go out, you just say the word. We'll end it right away, Hermione. I promise."_

_Her head isringing. All she can think is'Luna?', 'Luna and Ron?' and it hurts. She adores Luna, but she loves Ron. And how tempting it is to say she can't condone the relationship. Her selfish desires beg for her to protest. After all, her and Ron are meant to be. Besides, Ron is the one who'd always been so critical of Luna. But she can't do it, can't be so pathetic. Besides how can she protest Luna, criticize her as Ron has done to Malfoy? So Hermione knows she'll fake a smile and pretend she's fine. She must save face._

_"Hermione," he grabs back her attention, "What do you think?"_

_She blinks for a second, still startled with fake enthusiasm, "I think its great Ron. Luna's a nice girl."_

_And Luna was a nice girl, but now Hermione wants nothing more than to spit in her face and curse her and all of those stupid mythical magical creatures she loves so dearly._

_Ron smiles at her, it's a genuine smile. "Thanks, Hermione."_

_"No problem," she smiles back at him, but it's as fake as ever. "But Ron, could you just do me one favor?"_

_"Anything, 'Mione?"_

_"Will you give me some space?"_

_"Sure, I'll see you after lunch. Just make sure to eat something, okay?"_

_Hermione shuts her eyes, tears being held back as tightly as she can, "You don't understand, Ron. I just don't think I can be around you much. It's not healthy, for me. I'm letting go, and you need to do the same for me."_

_"Hermione?" He gives her a look._

_"Please go," she breaks out into a tear, "I just want you to go."_

_And he does, just as the pretty, calm world around her collapses. The clouds begin to cover the sun, and a branch falls into the lake, making a huge splash. But she doesn't pay attention to those things, instead the birds are chirping, ever so slightly. Her face turns red, and there are tears in her eyes, and she just wants to be alone._

_But they just keep going. And the voices in her head keep whispering about how Ron wouldn't date Luna, if Hermione hadn't gotten so fat. They keep telling her she's a failure. They keep telling her that nobody likes her. Her logic and emotions are ripping each other apart. And there are so many thoughts, swooning around in her head, and she doesn't know what to do. And the birds keep chirping. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp._

_It's too much for her to bear, so when she believes nobody is in ear-range she yells "SHUT UP!"_

"Hermione! Hermione! Hermione!" she feels Ron shaking her shoulders, "Get up!"

Her eyes groggily open, unsure of what has happened, and yet fully aware. Still anger wells up inside of her.

"When was the last time you've eaten?"


	7. Part 1: Chapter 7

**Thanks for those who've reviewed or favorited. I know this story is not frequently updated, but I try. pottered out and others who may be confused about that last bit. Hermione passed out in the last chapter and imagined Ron saying he was going out with Luna. I made it a little too subtle, but typically when I use italics it's for flashbacks, imagination or dreams. I'll work on improving my clarity. I love all your reviews and suggestions, so please continue.**

Hermione wakes up unable to breathe, tears streaming down her face. Then it hits her like a refreshing spray of water after a marathon—it was all a dream. Ron is not going out with Luna. Ron is still hers', even if they're not technically together.

She must have passed out; it wouldn't be surprising. The fight might have been too strenuous for her dwindling blood sugar to handle. She'd been woozy all day, avoiding food at all costs. She knows she'll have to give in to her body's desires soon.

"Hermione," Ron's ever so close. "Are you alright? Do I need to take you to Madam Pomfrey's?"

"I'm fine." She snaps, her body woozily reawakened. That's when she realizes how bad this looks. She knows that if she goes to that awful healer, she'll be sent right back to St. Mungo's. So, she straightens up her act. As much as the idea of food repulses her, her body is begging for it. By ignoring it's please she knows it will show it's vengeance by passing out again.. Besides asking for food might be the only way to avoid a misplaced intervention. So, she sucks in her pride, tries to forget about her recent relapse, and says the words Ron is least expecting. "But I should probably eat something."

He nods his head tentatively, grabbing the chocolate frog in his back pocket. "Here," he says, "For the blood sugar."

She eyes it carefully, "Ron, I really shouldn't be eating sweets."

He frowns, which she expects. "Just eat it."

She's not in a place to argue, too weak to by all means. So she takes the high caloric treat in to her hands and decides to get it over with. She gobbles it down quickly, without constraint, and Ron can't help but smile at that. It's a good flavor, just right. But she instantly feels embarrassment, remorse, and, even, guilt.

"A little better?" he asks. She nods her head. He gives her a pitying smile. "Mind if I take the Wizarding Card?"

"Sure," she says, rolling her eyes.

He starts laughing when he looks at it. "Merlin, 'Mione. You won't believe this!" he turns the card around to see Harry's face quickly grace the card. But she does believe it. Why wouldn't she? Harry's always had the glory. He was 'The Chosen One', after all. The celebrity of the wizarding world, he'd had many more honors bestowed upon him than a place as a chocolate frog wizarding card. He'd defeated Voldemort, and apparently they were just witnesses to the act.

"Wonder why he didn't tell us?" Ron wonders aloud, staring at the card.

"He probably didn't want to seem conceited," she says.

"Right," Ron says, "Big words…that's a good sign. We should get lunch."

She looks at him pleadingly, but knows he won't budge. "I just ate that Frog."

He ignores her, "Come on, Hermione."

"I'm full, Ron." She turns away from him. "I hate it when you tell me what to do. You nag at me about the food, try to control everything about my life! Don't you think it'd be easier to get back to normal, if everyone stopped telling me what I will and won't do every minute of my life. What I can't date any guy that I'm interested in, but you're going to go date girls like Luna?"

"Luna?" he says, utterly confused, "Did you hit your head when you passed out? I'm not planning on dating any girl but you. That is, when you're back to being you."

She breathes in deeply, and turns into angry Hermione, the one that reminds him of a Hungarian Horntail. "Don't treat me like I'm some stupid girl, Ron!"

"I..." But before he can finish the sentence she turns to stomp off back to the castle.

"Girls," he says out loud, shaking his head. "They're all mad."

Hermione walks through the castle halls fuming; there are no classes today so she doesn't know what she'll do to occupy her time. She certainly isn't going to eat lunch. Not with everyone watching her, and the chocolate frog digesting inside of her. So she just walks. Maybe she'll burn some calories that way.

When she gets tired, she decides she should head to the library. Lately, she's reacquired her motivation for perfect marks, and studies have become a necessity. Unfortunately, she didn't expect the awful 5th years to be there.

The group of 5th years that began their taunts at the station had continued to torment Hermione since she'd returned to Hogwarts. If they saw her from a far in the halls, or if she were with a group of friends, they'd simply make gagging, cutting or fat gestures, but when they were near her alone it was much worse. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't started crying on occasion. Their words were venom, poisoning her recovery the moment they started. It was almost as if the insecurities in her head sprang to life from their vicious lips. Nothing, no therapy, no friend, no Ron, could calm the feelings they gave way to. After all, why would they lie to her? She convinced herself it was the truth, and she'd been overcome by relapse.

She'd tried to avoid them the best she could. She'd tried to ignore them. She'd tried to stay bother unbothered. She'd tried to pretend nothing was wrong. But all of her tries were futile, and it got to her. Still, she maintained her friend's ignorance to the matter. Nothing would be worst if they found out. It would be one more thing for them to have to handle for her, one more thing that would make her appear weak.

"Hermione Granger skipping lunch… must have looked in the mirror." The leader began, with a particularly nasty glare.

"Ron must not like fatties." The other piped up.

"She's just a charity case. They just feel bad for her." The one who was never that great at dissing her chided.

"Such a waste of space… a lot of space."

"Wonder if she's started cutting again," the one smiled at her. "I would if I looked like that."

"I would if I acted like that. Such a know-it-all. No wonder her friends don't like her."

"They only used her for her brain, and she hasn't even got that anymore."

"Well at least she's studying; maybe she can learn a new spell to disappear so that the rest of us won't have to look at her anymore."

Hermione sat, showing no emotion. From the inside, she looked like an impenetrable force, but on the inside she was ready to burst into tears. Her gut was wrenching, and every part of her body was fighting to keep it all in. But the girls continued their taunts one after another, nothing was off limits.

It reminds her of when she was younger and went to muggle school. She was strange to them, a precocious know it all even then. When she'd tell her teacher, the lady would get mean. She'd called her a tattle tale a couple of times, and told her to just ignore it. All of the adults told her that; they'd said if she didn't react so much, they'd get bored of it. That never worked, and it still didn't. The thing about being bullied was that the school and teachers always liked to give advice to the victim. They'd tell Hermione what they're doing wrong, what they can do to stop getting bullied. The advice never worked, and the chastising made her feel like she'd deserved the abuse, like it was her fault. She stopped telling people about it, and so she definitely wouldn't now. She was a big girl, now. She would ignore it. She would deserve it.

And the words kept ringing in her ears, and she kept enduring it, tears starting to form in her eyes, new insecurities racing through her head. And the attacks come coming and coming and coming, until she heard a familiar voice.

"What the fuck did you just say to her?" She heard Ron say. Her head twisted around, her cheeks red from embarrassment. "Did you seriously just say that to her?"

The girls stuttered. They weren't so strong anymore. "N-no. W-we were just talking a-amongst ourselves."

"At a decibel louder that the whole great hall?" Harry piped in, "Are you all that immature."

"It was about a different girl?" a girl said, although her excuse wasn't even a statement.

"You used Hermione's name! My girlfriend's name!" He practically yells, and the girls are straight up intimidated. If Hermione wasn't so embarrassed she would have noticed that Ron used the term 'girlfriend' to talk about her, "Do you still think it'd be okay to talk about anyone that way? No. But you sick, twisted girls, want to talk to her like that! What is wrong with you?"

Hermione can't take it anymore. She's embarrassed of everything, and so she stands up and runs out of the library. She didn't want Ron and Harry to see that."

"Hermione!" She hears them calling out.

She turns around to see Ron. "Are you alright?" he asks.

She sucks it in and smiles, "I'm absolutely fine!"

"No you aren't," he says.

"Didn't know you could read minds, Ron!"

"Come off it, 'Mione. That was awful."

"I guess I'm used to it."

"You should never be used to that."

"Yeah… well. When you're like me…"

"Amazing?" Ron says. And she smiles, slightly.

"I don't deserve you," she says. "You're too nice."

"No," he says, "You're too nice."

She smiles, "I'll try to be better for you."

"You're already perfect. You could eat more, get a little healthier. But you're perfect. Always have been, always will. I just wish you noticed it."

"I'm not, though," she whispers, "You know I'm not. Did you hear what they were saying?"

"Do you believe them?" He says, "Because nothing they said was true. They're jealous of you, or just have a sick fascination with making other people feel so horrible about themselves. It makes them feel powerful. It has nothing to do with you."

"Ron," she says, "I'm a horrible person. I've caused nothing, but trouble. You'd all be better without me."

"Are you kidding? Don't ever think that. 'Mione, without you, Voldemort would have probably come to power 7 years ago and killed Harry, and we'd all be dead. You helped defeat him this last time, too. And besides that we'd have all been expelled or flunked out of school before our 3rd years. Right now, you're going through a rough patch, but you're still our Hermione. And my life would suck without you."

"You're wrong."

"I thought you worked this out. Didn't you talk about this in therapy?"

"No," she practically laughs, "My fear of failure… that we worked on. Apparently, I should just expect to fail in life. Also, we discussed my dependency on other people, specifically you. Ironically, she also want me to open up and stop pushing everyone away. I've learnt that I'm weak, though. I can tell my healer thinks so. She thinks I'm pathetic for not being able to handle a break up."

"I doubt that." He says quietly.

"No, she thinks it. She's belittling, and I can't stand her. She tells me what to do, but doesn't care what I think. She doesn't listen to anything I say. I feel like nobody does; it's like everyonewants to tell me what to do. What I think doesn't matter."

"That's not true," he says. "I listen. I ask how you're doing all the time."

"You do ask, but when I answer, when I tell everyone how I feel, you included, they tell me what I should be thinking, what I should be doing."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is." She says. "See. It's happening right now."

"I'm sorry." He says.

"Don't be." She says, turning to walk away. She knows she'll avoid him for a couple days. She's embarrassed herself too much in front of him today.

* * *

><p>Ever since she fainted by the lake, nightmares of Ron dating other girls have persisted. In one dream he even claims to date Ginny. It's gotten ridiculous. However, even though she can cognitively process that he has not betrayed her for anybody, she still worries about it.<p>

Maybe, he just hasn't admitted it yet. Perhaps, Ron is harboring feelings for someone else, but wants to spare her the heart break. After all, she is the pathetic ex-girlfriend, who'd just about tried to kill herself a few months ago and is amidst an eating disorder relapse.

The hurt and insecurities from her nightmares persist all morning, rummaging to analyze every occurrence and thought. She can't help but look at Luna (the girl in last night's dream) with a sense of resentment and jealousy despite the girl's innocence. But the worst moment comes when she catches Ron's eyes at breakfast, and suddenly she feels her insides shatter.

"I'm glad to see you," he says, eyes ever so intent as a smile flickers across her face. She hasn't talked to him much since the whole insane thing by the lake and their conversation at . Plus, the realistic betrayal in her dream does nothing to subside her feelings, but a part of her wants to show him kindness and warmth. She wants to thank him for not abandoning her, for being so sensitive to her throughout her rendezvous with crazy. Sure, he could have given up on her like in her nightmare, could have abandoned her for somebody without the drama, but he's sticking with her. Even if it is as a friend, she knows deep down there remains a sense of something more. She can't keep pushing him away, because after her dream, she's come to the reality that she wants him in her life. Besides, she can't stay mad at him over the Draco thing forever. If she's hurt by a dream, he's sure to be tortured by the reality of Hermione's flirtation with the boy he disdains most in the world.

Her instincts are to give him a scowl and a snarky remark, but she ignores it for her old common sense and sudden realizations. "Nice to see you too," she says, and to her surprise she catches him giving off the world's largest grin. She didn't know a simple exchange of pleasantries could give him so much happiness, and then as if craving more, she asks. "What's for breakfast?"

And, yes, she knows the answer. It's the same as it's always been, but the hidden message is loud and clear—she's willing to eat without prompt. The smiles around the table emerge, and she finds herself smiling too as she puts food onto her plate without command or interference about a larger portion size. For the most part, the people around her try to make pleasant conversation. Neville mentions something about Herbology, and then Hannah makes a quick remark of "how interesting!" as the others chide along whilst taking quick sideways glances at Hermione's plate. She knows this is all an act to make her feel more comfortable, and she appreciates it without qualms.

She eats slowly, sometimes staring at pieces of food on her fork for a whole minute before placing it in her mouth. She cuts up pieces into small bits, which she knows she shouldn't do, but which helps calm her nerves down during the whole eating process. And while she is almost sure somebody will say something, nobody does.

When Hermione is done with her food—an egg, some berries and a waffle with maple syrup—she places her fork down, expecting someone to comment on the sausage that remains untouched. She just looks around to find that everyone is trying to pretend like they haven't noticed her eat breakfast without a word of encouragement from anyone. She expects some comment, and she is thankful that nobody gives her applause or force feeds the left over hash brown down her throat.

She fears the moment is over when Ginny asks if she's done. But when she hesitantly replies that she is, Ginny simply asks if she wants to accompany her to their dormitory to get ready for class. Harry returns her wand to her, and everyone gives their 'see you soon's and 'good bye's as the two girls head off.

"So what was that about?" Hermione asks.

"I could ask you the same thing." Ginny says, a smile gracing her face. "Somebody woke up on the cheerful side of bed this morning."

"Ha-ha," Hermione fakes a laugh, "I wish."

"Nice to see you too," Ginny mimics Hermione's previous pleasantries with Ron, batting her eyelashes and a high voice in tow, "Thank Merlin, you finally made up. Harry and I were getting downright tired of playing owl between the two of you."

Hermione smiles gently, but she can't say they've made up. She wants too, but there is still bitter tension between them.

"So, since you're in such a peachy mood today, would you mind tagging along with us to Hogsmeade this afternoon?"

"Sure," Hermione says hesitantly. Frankly, she'd rather sit in her room for hours and catch up on work, but she wants to spend time with Ron. She wants to make sure there are no flirtations she is unaware of, and that she can still keep his interest. Maybe those are motives for her participation in social activity, but nobody will be asking about her reasons. They will all just be thrilled that she's returning.

"Really?" Ginny says, smile plastered across her face.

"Would you like me to change my mind?" Hermione says.

Ginny laughs gently, before Hermione realizes that the subject has been changed from her original question. "Now could you explain to me why everyone was acting so normal?"

Ginny's hand goes to the back of her neck, clearly uncomfortable by Hermione's question. "Would you like us to act any differently?"

Hermione hesitates for a second, "No… No. I was just surprised."

But Ginny is mysteriously unresponsive as they move towards the familiar fat lady. The silence is conveniently interrupted by the password, and a greeting from a few second years, asking for help on a question for Potions.

Hermione attempts to ignore her curiosity; she should just be thankful. But thoughts whisper new ideas inside her head._ Do they simply not care? Was this some elaborate plan? Have they decided she's a lost cause? Do they think she's all better now? _

Then Ginny looks at her as if she's nervous. "You know I care about you Hermione, right?"

"I guess," Hermione says.

"And you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Sure…" Hermione looks at her strange.

"What's this about , Ginny?"

"I just want you to know. If you ever want to talk, I'll listen."

Hermione practically freezes and she figures out everything. "Ron told you about our conversation."

Ginny nods her head "It depends… You're not mad are you?"

Hermione thinks for a moment. Should she be furious about the fact that Ron betrayed her trust, or grateful that Ron actually listened. She decides on the later and shakes her head no. At least someone's listened. At least he cared. At least they're all trying.

**What do you all think? Is this story heading in the right direction? Let me know.**


	8. Part 1: Chapter 8

**Where they've been**

It's been a week since that morning, and things have been good. Meals have been eaten, and food has been digested. Hermione tries not to think so negatively and the dreams have subsided. Hannah tells Hermione that she loves Neville, and Hermione is glad that some good has come out of everything. She is also proud of Hannah for 'graduating' from regular sessions with her healer. She's happy for everybody until Ginny tells her that Harry and her are talking about what they're doing next year, and Hermione realizes that Ron and her don't even have a 'this year'. 67 mooing cows are on her bed along with five boxes of puking pastels. She wishes the group of fifth years would leave her alone. On the outside it looks like the relapse is over. Everyone, including herself, is convince that Hermione is back on track. Or, as Ron says late one night to Harry "crisis averted".

It's been two weeks like this, two weeks of playing the game their way. Ron is elated, and Hermione's fairly certain he might just throw a party out of joy. Harry hugs her a lot, and Ginny starts letting her in on the drama of various on goings. She goes up a dress size, but decides not to care. And she tells Pomfrey that she doesn't want to know her weight when it's offered to her. The third and fifth years are still mocking her, but for a couple of days she didn't see them at all. She is particularly elated when she gets a new healer. Everything seems perfect. They go to Hogsmeade twice and it's wonderful. Hermione even lets Ron buy her candy, and she eats it in front of him. The situation is mildly amusing when he won't leave her alone for hours later, and can't contain himself when she keeps it down. She's not even annoyed at the grin on his face that lasts all day.

It's been three weeks like this, three great weeks. Draco smiles at Hermione once after a meal and says "I'm glad you're getting better". So, Ron get jealous and starts walking very close to her. They almost hold hands. Things get even better when she starts getting O's again. People still worry a little bit, but they all seem appeased. Ron and her hook up the one night after a conversation. She gets permission to run again. Everything's almost back to normal. She can feel things getting better. The weight on her heart is off, despite the added weight to her body. She knows she's gaining weight, and she starts wearing clothes from before last summer.

It's been 1 month like this, and, everything falls apart.

It's a Monday morning, there's a slight chill outside, but it's lovely weather. Hermione thinks about how much she wants to go out after class. She can almost feel the gentle breeze swaying her out the door, beckoning her to start the day. She throws on some robes and heads to the dining hall with Ginny. That's when it started: the glazed looks, the hushed whispers, and the outright gawking. It doesn't take her long to figure out what has occurred. The faces and behavior of her peers are enough to derive suspicion, but, just in case, she appears unaffected, a big Daily Prophet ends up right in her face. It takes a moment for her eyes to process it, The Article. Her private life, her pain, and all of her secrets are open to the world. Nothing is hidden, not even where she kept the puking pastilles last semester. It was an expose on Hermione Granger and her most recent affliction and turmoil summed up in a gossip-laden twist.

She doesn't know why this would occur. At first, she doesn't believe it. Why would people care? How could her life be frontpage material? She's just a girl, and, yes, she knew there was some fame associated with helping Harry Potter, but there were far more important things in the world.  
>Ginny puts a hand on Hermione's shoulder and peers over. Hermione's not sure where her eyes land. Maybe its on the picture of her puking over a toilet, or, perhaps, it's on the quoted conversation she had with Pansy in the room of requirement. All Hermione knows is that this is disgusting, that she's been betrayed and that Rita Skeeter had gone to far. It makes her sick to realize that this whole time, a reporter was maliciously watching her suffering for a great story to manipulate.<p>

Ginny tries to stop her from reading it, but Hermione is frozen, her hands gripping it with all her fury, only moving to turn the page. She discovers that is 3 pages long. She is certain that she will cry.

Hermione wishes she didn't read it. She also wishes that she could take a big quill to cross out the lies and exaggerations throughout the paper. No, she still has no triangle with Harry, and, no, the inexistent undying love she supposedly has for him is not being suppressed by a jealous ex lover while the burgeoning of her sexual fantasies drove her to insanity. She wishes that she could simply be amused, but instead she is furious. In the end, though, what Hermione wishes, most of all, is that some of the unbridled truths in this article weren't so accurate; some of the real story is dramatic enough with no tampering necessary. All she can think is how lovely it would be if this were all a manipulation of Rita Skeeter's revenge and none of it ever happened at all. Unfortunately it did, and now the whole world knows about it along with some quirky fabrications.

"Are you alright?" Ginny says, "Don't freak out. Everyone will forget about this by tomorrow."

Hermione chokes out a measly "No" as a response to all that Ginny has said.

She needs to go hide out in her dorm, as she looks around and feels what she can only describe as everything. So, she sprints away, and finds herself running right into Professor Capri.

"I'm sorry!" she says, unconvincingly. Her legs continuing towards the fat Lady. She says the password and treks through the Gryffindor common room to the dormitory. Her body falls on her bed and she lets out a wail, glad that nobody is around. She assumes Ginny won't come to get her, and she doesn't care if she misses class. So she decides that today she is going to stay in bed and cry. It's a legitimate response she argues in her head.

She relapses with a visit to the kitchen and two fingers down her throat, and of course it had to be in moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Ron asks if she wants dinner, but besides that she gets no visitors, no companionship, that is until Ginny returns to her room, tiptoeing in. Perhaps she was convinced Hermione was sleeping but the sniffles and wails did everything to rule out that theory. "Do you want to talk?"

"No," Hermione says_. I want to disappear_, but she can't say that and she won't not after incidents._._ "I want to forget."

The next day she pretends she's fine, letting off a perfect little smile to everyone who asks if she's fine and that really means everyone. Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws and Slytherins all looked at her with a pitying frown, an amused smirk, or a friendly face, but they were all the same. No matter what. They all saw her as some dumb tragedy. "She used to be the smartest girl in the year," they'd say, "She used to be Harry's girl."

That's why she doesn't go to the dining hall, and maybe she thinks she can get away with it for a day but even this is risky, knowing that this sort of behavior will have her on the radar if it occurs again tomorrow.

She's underestimated even that with Ron pulling in a feast to her dormitory. "How'd you manage that?" she forces herself to laugh.

"Pull," he says for both contexts, "I'm a persuasive person."

She nods her head, and he starts stuffing his own face. "Wid dong yo iit somsin?"

She can hardly make out the words with his mouth so stuffed, and her heart does a loop, her stomach flips around, and her mind performs acrobatics with her psyche. Something has been triggered and she just can't bear to it. She gives him a pretentious little smile. "I've lost my appetite."

He cocks his eyebrows, and hooks his mouth into a frown. The statement isn't dubious just unsettling. "Eat something, please."

She wants to she does, but her body is suddenly repulsed.

They argue forever about what qualifies as a relapse or not, and Hermione finally breaks. "I get that I should eat, Ron. But I have inexplicable triggers, one of them is seeing peoples partially digested food."

That shuts up Ron for a moment, guilt ridden across his face. "Sorry," he blushes, "I didn't mean to 'Mione."

"It's fine. I'm just repulsed enough by food sometimes."

"And with the added stress…" Ron says. She nods her head, glad he understands, but he doesn't really because then he still ushers her to eat. "You still have to eat, ya know. I'll just be more patient with you."

"Ron," She looks at him, pleading eyes, but she knows its no use. Ron has it in his head so it must come to being.

So she eats, bite-by-bite. It comes into her stomach. Then she looks at Ron, sad puppy-like eyes begging him to not push desert, and he gets the message. No dessert for now.

"Not so bad was it?" He asks, big dorky grin letting off that obnoxious comment. Ron tried to be sensitive. He had the knowledge of what not to say, but sometimes the practice was more difficult than the theory. She understands his plight but still shoots him a death glare so that he never mutters that phrase in conjunction with her eating a meal ever again. It works, better than expected; she can see the regret sweeping across his face. "I shouldn't have said that."

"No," She says, "You shouldn't have."

He shrugs his shoulders and they just sit and talk for a while. Ron bent on enthusiasm and normalcy, Hermione acting uncharacteristically distant, her mask falling off, her mind thousands of miles elsewhere.

Then he said it, potentially the worse thing he could say at all. So brutally honest and heartfelt that is scarred Hermione in a way that even the third and fifth years couldn't achieve with their ruthless taunts. Maybe it was that it was from Ron, maybe that it was true, maybe that it was meant for encouragement. Maybe whatever. It didn't mater because Ron said the words that would send Hermione five steps back on the road of recovery, if that was even the road she was driving on any way. "Don't let the Daily Prophet break you again. I don't know how many times I can fix you."


	9. Part 2: Chapter 1

Can you count the seconds of internal, emotional pain? Hermione isn't dealing with the sort of pain that acts like a thief, breaking in, only to leave soon after. It's her whole life and it's ever present doom. There are no vibrant blue seas, but endless rough patches. When one storm has passed another comes. Is it odd that she has gotten a case of sea-sickness? Is it odd that the boat hasn't yet flipped? Is it odd that she may want to jump off the ship?

The last time she relapsed was almost a year ago. She was still a student at Hogwarts, and was still fighting her illness, being raw with her emotions. The useless random fifth and third years sang her songs of childish bullying, while she fell into the arms of Ron Weasley, her knight in shining armor, and she arose powerful beyond all comparison. Ron was her lady of the lake, handing her excalibur to conquer evil. Except that everything was not at all what it seemed.

When the article was written everything changed-people were always watching her, waiting for her cracks to emerge. Strangers gave her looks, and everyone was nicer with their patronizing, encouraging smiles. Understanding nods with little pieces of advice filled her conscience with a brutal reminder that everyone knew. So she learned to handle the stares, to fight the need to cry when she couldn't bare anymore, and to prove to everybody that she was fine.

Ron's comment was poorly thought out, but maybe it needed to be said. It did work, one would assume. She finished her N.E.W.T.S. with amazing marks, and secured a job at the ministry promptly after. Ron found the perfect place for the two of them to live together, right below Harry's and Ginny's. And everybody thought that her demons were gone, that they had disappeared, but what they don't know is plenty. When Ron told her not to break again, when he told her he couldn't "fix her" again. She realized what she felt all along. She was a burden on Ron, and he was tired of helping her. She realized that she needed to get a control on her life, and, when she felt like crap, she needed to deal with life better. Maybe it seemed like a healthy dose of reality, a necessary slap in the face to get Hermione back on track. But, while she visibly got better in order to restore and maintain her relationship with Ron, her heart still ached. She was afraid to let herself be raw with her emotions, instead choosing to internalize every ounce of pain that came her way. Obviously, there were times when she was upset and couldn't help but fall back down. But she was careful to pick herself up, and keep the mask of a successful recovery on her face.

Everyone, including the convincing Hermione herself believed that her breakdown was a thing of the past, and it was. It was, until she slipped and had nobody ready to catch her. And, then, just like that it wasn't. She thought constantly about Ron's words, and knew that she had to deal with it by herself. After all, he would not tolerate another "mistake", and she would not let him consider all of the options. So she tried to forget about the "mistakes", vowing to not let them happen again, except that every time they would re-emerge.

It would be easier if she could just tell someone, and have anybody out there to talk to, to keep her accountable. Yet, she couldn't. If she told Ron, he'd leave. If she told anyone else, they would tell Ron, and he would leave. Clearly, neither solution was an options because Ron leaving would break her heart. She needed Ron like she needed water. Without him, she'd have nothing to live for. And, even if he didn't give up on her, she couldn't tolerate the angst. The couple was finally happy and in love. They were approaching their six month anniversary since they'd rekindled their romance, and it was magical. Hermione simply could not tolerate the risk of having him find out. It outweighed her desire to eliminate all "mistakes".

She reasoned that the "mistakes" were rare. They were just little ones, once in a while. She could handle it. Nobody needed to know.


End file.
